He had his hands in his pockets
by d-nabiki
Summary: a literal person can never understand one who lives in controversy with oneself. Just a strange piece.
1. beginnings

He had his hands in his pockets   
  
warning: weirdness, pov  
  
disclaimer: They don't belong to me. Too much money's involved.   
  
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I am always trying to understand things. I, as a child, had never experienced much besides being in constant dangers. Going undercover. Destroying. Completing missions. I always learn from experiences. Lessons like these, mould you into a person. But in war, you could never have much of a normal life to begin with it.   
  
I came in contact with a doctor who placed me in a gundam, trained me to fight with it and to be a soldier. There were no complains. Just fighting for my colony. For i was just doing the same old thing.   
  
Then, there was another pilot i met along my time as a gundam pilot. I didn't understand him. He defied my laws. He was always smiling. Even when he had his hands in his pockets.   
  
In war, you could never be sure who will survive. The ones who live through the war, are not neccesary the strongest ones. They are the ones with a particularly strong instinct to survive, the ones who wanted so much to live. I won't kill them. I won't kill him. He wanted so much to survive.   
  
Unlike me.   
  
He puzzled me a lot. He contradicts. He doesn't lie but he hides from the truth. He craves to live but he is death. He talks a lot but he never tells his story. He isn't what he seemed to be. I can't and never will understand him. Because he grinned like an idiot yet he had his hands in his pockets.   
  
"What are you doing?"   
  
"A new mission came up. Just wanna show everyone what shinigami is..."   
  
And he had his hands in his pockets.   
  
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a/n: It's a pretty weird piece, i know. Unless you understand the body language of placing your hands in your pockets, you can never quite get this "story". Yeah, kind of pointless so blame it on my muse. 


	2. unnecessary

Unnecessary  
  
warning: It's back... weirder than ever! Don't kill me if you don't get a thing. Coz, i have no idea what was going on in my head when i wrote this. This is written in somebody's POV. Should be an easy guess. ^_^  
  
disclaimer: They don't belong to me. Too much money's involved.   
  
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Someone had told me rules were meant to be broken. If they were, then why were they set in the first place?   
  
There was once people thought sky was the limit. Then, technology proved them otherwise, colonies were built, beyond the sky, right out in space. Then, why the limit?   
  
They kept praying for peace, humanity and happiness. Then, they were killed. So, why the praying?   
  
I made a promise to myself not to trust anyone easily. Then, i believed somebody so strongly, i broke my promise. So, why make promises?   
  
They had many talks about peace. Ways to aquire peace, means of compromising and withdrawal of war. However, war still went on. Then, why the talks?   
  
There are many things in the world i came to realise. Those that made me cower. Fear that all i did will never result in anything. Being helpless, unable to stop whatever coming my way. Losing things i fought so hard to protect. Nothing to fall back on. Just the bad things.   
  
When it happens, what could you do? Hurt, depression, constrain, deprivation, confusion, loss. Huants you hungrily, devours you ruthlessly. So painful, death thoughts seems more welcoming. The pain presses on, persistently.   
  
But these are deep planted motivations. They drive your desperation. Your instinct to survive. Your fear of death. Your determination to live just gets stronger. There is a desperate scream inside, you are forced to face your fear to let it out. Because you believe, as long as you live, you get to feel them. But when you stop breathing, there will be nothing. Absolutely nothing.   
  
I hide. I always do.   
  
I run. I always do.   
  
I fear. I always do.   
  
I cannot even lie. And truth hurts like a bitch.   
  
"Oi, you will die like this, you know."   
  
"Ha. All will be fine. I don't die that easily."   
  
Even death has abandoned me.   
  
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a/n: *scratches head* It just gets weirder, doesn't it? If you still hadn't realised placing your hands in your pocket is a sign of insecurity, now you get it. I reposted these 2 chapters because i realised they were full of grammatic errors and didn't run as smoothly. The final 2 chapters would be longer and will finalised everything. (gonna be much longer than this.) Their grounds for friendship's more twisted than you think... 


	3. inside out

Inside out  
  
warning: woah... weird. pov. language.  
  
disclaimer: When i dominated the world, that's is when they belong to me. And solely me! World domination baby~!  
  
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When desperate situations call for desperates measures.  
  
Have i ever told you how i fear blood? Yes. I have phobia of it. They revoke memories i can't afford to remember. I hated the way they are soiling my clothes now. I hated it. I wanted to wash them away with tears i can't even produce. Mostly, i wanted to scream, i wanted to run away from all these.   
  
I can't, can i?   
  
A mission's at stake, Heero's just on the other side of the base and Wufei's just a few steps behind me. While all these thoughts were running through my head, the mission was falling swiftly into place. It was like i was functioning out of my body, viewing it from somewhere near but nowhere touching. I saw my own hands fumbling with the explosives and setting them into their locations while finishing off people hindering our way. More blood staining my hands, clothes and hair. Get them off me, won't somebody?   
  
Can't help these feelings taking over me.  
  
I felt hands tugging at mine, pulling me out of the place, so fast, i could barely keep up with my wobbly legs. I couldn't think. I wanted to get away quickly. This speed wasn't enough. I overtook Wufei soon and became the one pulling him out. I could have heard him curse in chinese, but it was irrelevant. We were getting out, we would be away from all these very soon.  
  
Won't we?  
  
We crash-landed in front of the feets of our gundams, breathless but finally away. I heard Wufei mumbling something about escaping from the base before the base explode as i move my body into the cockpit of my gundam. The base exploded just as we got into our gundams. Heero did it again, didn't he? That infallible bastard. Don't let him know i called him that. Perhaps, i hated him. Like how i hated blood. You could never tell if i hadn't told, could you?  
  
And i won't say it another time.  
  
He reminded me of people i couldn't afford to remember. Those that had gone or died. But everytime he was around, he just drove me to get closer to him. He smelled of danger and promises of death i could never shrug off. If there's only one thing that could kill me, i believed it's him. I wanted to stay near him. Just to trifle with the depths of his danger. That would be one of the reasons i am keeping him as a friend despite hating him inside out.  
  
Ain't it ironic?  
  
It kept me moving so far, hadn't it? Good or bad, hadn't seemed like they ever mattered to me. The base was gone in an instant. Heero joined us on our return a while later. I called out to him over the intercom and teased him about killing us if we hadn't ran out in time. He scowled and called me an idoit. Ha. Ain't he useful? I can always count on he to keep my balance. My sanity. With his promises of danger.   
  
There's a void in my mind.  
  
It blocked my mind of my every single mission. I couldn't recall doing any of the things that had been done. And my mind could only clear when i return from my mission. Weird? I guessed so. Which part of me was normal to start with? I have no idea on that too. When we closed up on somewhere safe, somewhere away from our enemies, i wondered slightly why my landing wasn't as easy as always. Was my gundam malfunctioning now? Before i could realise what was happening, i crash-landed the second time.   
  
And it hurted this time too.  
  
More on the face, actually. Heero punched my face as soon as i climbed out of my gundam, or crawl, whatever you wanted to call it. I heard him called me an idoit again. Told ya', he keeps my sanity in check. He caught Wufei's eye for a moment and stormed back to the safehouse. Then, Wufei pulled my right arm over his shoulder and half dragged me back in as well. I think i might had injured my left arm and took a hit on the head somewhere back. Somewhere i couldn't recall a thing at all... And my concious couldn't last anymore.   
  
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a/n: wahaha... finally completed... only two more chappies to go~ Pardon my grammer, pardon my horrendous writing. The bad taste will wash away very soon. Sou ne, Duo-kun~? 


	4. give and take

Give and take  
  
warning: really weird. pov. language.  
  
disclaimer: nope. they don't (belong to me). sad, isn't it?  
  
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He woke up two hour after i had done concealing our machines. I suspected he had suffered concussion so Wufei had to stay to take care of him and the safehouse. Wufei informed me of his conciousness once i entered the safehouse.  
  
"Fook" was his first word to me.  
  
"Hm?" i asked.  
  
"Fuck you!" he shot back.  
  
"Duo!" Wufei shouted.  
  
A short pause.  
  
"Food." Duo said, "I said food. You know? Stuff to be eaten?"  
  
"Oh. I will go to get them." I told him and promptly left.  
  
I hesitated after shutting the door and was about to head back when i heard Wufei's voice.  
  
"Duo, don't confuse him anymore."  
  
"What did i do?"  
  
"Don't play dumb with me."  
  
"Fine. I won't."   
  
"Mean what you say, or i shall stop feeding you your glass of water."  
  
Another pause.  
  
"Fine! I swear it on my cheap life, i won't! Happy now? Can i continue with my drinking?"  
  
Confusing me? That was the only thing he did to me since i met him. He was an enigma to me. Something i may not ever understand even if i used my whole lifetime. And i hated it. I was supposed to be on neutral stand about everything. Wasn't i? Then, why can i stop hating this feeling he gave me?  
  
I walked downstair to the kitchen in silent footsteps and took out supplies we brought to the safehouse before the mission. Dried food. Canned Soups. Ration bars. I divided them according to daily usage and divided today's share into three portions.   
  
"You should stop doing that all the time." Wufei's voice called out from the entrance of the kitchen.  
  
"Stop what?"  
  
"That 'taking everything *that* literally' habit of yours."  
  
"Why?"  
  
His eyebrows were slightly knotted and then back to normal. He sighed.  
  
"Forget what i have said, since, however that system of yours up there works, is useful in war. I just came to take Duo's and my share up to the room."  
  
"How do i stop?"  
  
His left brows was slightly raised and he smiled in, what i believed to be, amusement.  
  
"That you have to discover it yourself. It will be good for you, in the long run."  
  
How long could i run? The war held no promises. Not good ones, at least. Wufei took their share of food up the stairs with a tray. I glared at the back of his head until he disappeared in sight.   
  
Wufei, too, confuses me sometimes. But we came to an understanding after a few missions we were assigned to, together. We cooperated, had the same rythmn when it came to missions. We developed a gradual, mutual trust. His attacks and tactics were planned, logical and subtle. Mine was reasoned and based on instincts. Our missions together were of success, most of the times. That, was not hard to comprehend, after all, his reasoning and methods were clear and straightforward. Likewise, mine were precise and to the point. However, Duo's was...  
  
Unpredictable.   
  
There was never a time i was not caught by surprise by him. Even though i tried to supress my slip, it felt as though he could right through what i tried so hard to hide. It was unsettling. And i hate it.  
  
Would anyone laugh at me if they knew i was frightened of a boy of my age but could fight without fear, facing a large group of moblie suits?  
  
I had tried getting rid of the fear. But each time he caught me unguarded, the more i fear. Fear that he will expose the self i was not able to face. Fear that he would rip off that mask of mine. Fear that he knew that i was weak inside.  
  
So i tried getting rid of him. I tried staying away from him.  
  
Till i saw his weak side. Till i saw how his facade fell off. How frighteningly similar we were on the inside yet so different on the outside. Perhaps the burdens we carried through the war were not the same.   
  
Give the option to do away with the war, would we still have our masks on?  
  
Perhaps we would both turn out to be the same. Or entirely opposites.   
  
Take any chance, i would survive the war to find that out.   
  
Staring at the door of the room they were in upstairs, i had an impulse to scream at the both of them to swear they would survive the damn war as well.  
  
But i decided against it. Returning to my laptop, i buried myself in work.   
  
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a/n: Well, well. One down, one more to go!   
  
Hmm...Duo's a little mean... Poor Hee-chan. Fret not! Wuffie to the rescue! (All three sweatdropped, freaked out as well.)  
  
Oh god...i think i am a little high on lack of caffeine(wonders how that happens...) 


	5. revelation

Revelation  
  
warning: refer to chapter 4  
  
disclaimer: nope. they don't (belong to me). sad, isn't it?  
  
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They are a weird pair. If you ever work with them like me, you know what i mean.  
  
I didn't know if it was a good thing to separate them like this. They are friends afterall. They just hate to admit it. (Yes, even in their hearts.)  
  
Damn Duo. Stupid Heero.  
  
Yeah, yeah. I know. Contrary to popular beliefs, i call people by their first names. At least, in my mind, i do.  
  
The latest mission had not been smooth. Duo had no idea the amount of the  
  
MS they were sending to deal with us were *that* large. He miscaculated and paid a price for it. He had his shoulders bruised and leg dislocated. And a damaged gundam. At least he's alive. And flamingly pissed.   
  
At Heero, no less.  
  
Sad for him, cos' Duo's what you call a petty person. He's vengeful and remembers every little thing you did him wrong. Doesn't make he any bad a person. Just... *interesting* to have around. He always says forgetting is different from forgiving. He can forgive, but never forgets.   
  
Which reminds me of that time i had a little disagreement with him. It was about our mission plans, my plan was approved by the rest, instead of his. Feeling betrayed(whatever he thinks is betrayal in his sense), he blatantly spilled coffee over my desk. Thankfully, i had nothing but just my reading glasses on it. He continued his menace, till i apologised and he called it a truce.   
  
Is it *that* funny about me apologising? Well, i could not let him continue disrupting my life. You should have seen what he did! It got worse every next time. (Dignity has nothing to do with it! I was desperate!)  
  
You are right. I hated Duo then. Until he sought me out after that particular mission to apologise for his stupid actions. He admitted my plan was better after all, he was just being a pighead. Okay, so i added the pighead part myself. Point was, his child-like sincerity touched me. (Don't you dare laugh.) He was being stubborn, all right, but just because, he had no else way to... live.  
  
That day, we talked a lot. About our past, about our present, about our future.   
  
I told him about my colony, i told him about my dreams. Hell, i even told about my marriage.  
  
In return, he told me about his past life on streets, his colony and his dreams.  
  
We both lost a lot in our lives. Only we had different ways of expressing it.  
  
That was when i understood his fears, his fierce notion to get back at anyone for anything. How his life make him that way. If he gets something good, he will have to pay badly for it. If he doesn't fight back when he's bullied, he will lose. He will die.  
  
We became good friends soon after. Even Trowa nearly choked on his coffee when we went on a decent chat during dinner.   
  
Heero, however, is on an entirly different level.   
  
I don't claim to understand him that well. We had a few missions together and all i know was, they all went well. We are a little similar in character so we work well together, i supposed. Just that, he, let's say, has no clue when it comes to interacting with people. I claim not to be decent at socializing. Leave Quatre for that. But i do know about a thing or two when it comes to communicating with people i *want* to.  
  
Let's say... If Duo is an innocent child, Heero would be an idoit.  
  
On another note, if Duo is a vengeful child, Heero would be the innocent child. (Yes, both of them look like children to me since they act like one.)  
  
He could be living in his own world for all i know.   
  
He takes thing literally, and hardly knows how to react to new situations. He never think twice before saying anything and don't even realise any action of his will actually affect any other person on an emotional level. Futhermore, he has this guilty complex thing in him. It makes him emotionally vulnerable. Even more so than Quatre.  
  
I am suspecting Duo knows these.   
  
Thus, the more he won't be excused from his wilful behaviour to Heero. No matter how much that punch hurted him. Maybe i should have told him how guilty Heero's face had been when he looked at me after Duo fell into my arms. Or maybe i should not.   
  
They both should grow up. Perhaps even settle their differences like he did with me.  
  
I know Heero's been observing Duo recently. Duo knows too. It makes him edgy. Heero's so open about his behaviour sometimes he's stupid. It irks Duo to see his emotions so openly expressed on his face.  
  
That was because Duo has this 'emotions overload' thing or so he claims. He can't stand it if anyone feels bad about anything. Anger or frustration, he can deal with it. If it's sorrow, disappointment, confusion or pain, he just can't take it. I think i can understand that.  
  
However, the more he wants Heero to fight back, the more hurt Heero gets. Serve Duo right for being unjust to Heero.   
  
Or perhaps he's just tired. Tired of it all.   
  
But aren't we all the same?  
  
Presently, we are all drained from the recent mission at the moment. But once we recovered emotionally and physically, things will get better. Duo will apologise to Heero. Heero will clear his confusions. I will be better off without having to pacify Duo. Oz will get their payback. World will be at peace. We will all survive.   
  
Then, i can get more time to talk to you.   
  
I can't help it if i am a closet optimist.  
  
*If* you are listening somewhere...  
  
Meiran.  
  
---  
  
"You exploit people's weakness!" shouted Wufei.  
  
"It's a war! Not a game! You look down on women's compassion and used it to your gain! Didn't see you complaining then!" Duo flung his arms about.  
  
"It's different, i didn't kick her ass when she was down."  
  
"Yeah you didn't, then she will come back to kick yours!"  
  
"*Then*, i will fight back. Fair and square."  
  
A pause.  
  
"Not too late?"  
  
"Never. As long as we are still standing."  
  
"We won't lose anything?"  
  
"We have nothing to lose in the place first."  
  
Silence.  
  
"You are right. Damn right you are..." said Duo.   
  
He felt a tiny but true smile spreading onto his face.   
  
Because both of them came to the same revelation. It was hope.  
  
---  
  
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a/n: fini!  
  
notes:   
  
In chapter 1, Heero thought of Duo's defence mechanism and has his views on it. Doesn't mean Duo is really that way.   
  
In chapter 2, Duo's anaylsing his own behaviour. Analysing his views of the world, his fears, his struggles.   
  
In chapter 3, Duo's on a mission and his thoughts are a little scrambled. If you can't make a tail or head out of it, Don't worry. Duo can't too.  
  
In chapter 4 , Heero tried to analyse his stand and his relationship with Duo and Wufei (mostly Duo, as he cannot accept the fact he cannot deal with Duo like he can deal with Wufei, so he decided to decipher them like a computer program...). Wufei, in this story, is obviously much smarter (yes, than both Heero and Duo) at handling people. Duo is being an *sshole in here because he was seriously pissed at the punch he recieved last chapter (i believe...).  
  
In chapter 5, i was thinking that Wufei's POV will be more neutral when it comes to comparing Heero and Duo. He has his own views but doesn't make it any bias than those two. I think their friendships are weird like that. They have conflicting interests and thoughts. All the more making things pretty interesting. At least i hope Wufei's POV will clear all doubts about the happenings in the whole 3 chapters. First two are just, let's say, fleeting thoughts.  
  
That's why the first two chapters seemed to stand alone from the last 3.  
  
5 boys thrown into a war against a huge group of army (not to mention adults) with only their gundams and themselves. I expect their meetings, relationships with one another to be more unusual then normal friendship. You have that instinct not to trust anyone but if you don't trust one another... you could lose more than a war. Hmm... as usual... i don't think anyone gets my point. Hahaha... i am so weird i scare myself at times. ^_^|||   
  
But i totally disgressed from my first plan. To do 5 takes on all five of the pilots rather than only Heero and Duo(like the first 2 chappies). 


End file.
